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A Venerable Tech Support Tale

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause".

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

Technician

Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

Customer

Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

Technician

What sort of trouble?

Customer

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

Technician

Went away?

Customer

They disappeared.

Technician

Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Customer

Nothing.

Technician

Nothing?

Customer

It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

Technician

Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

Customer

How do I tell?

Technician

Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Customer

What's a sea-prompt?

Technician

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

Customer

There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything type.

Technician

Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Customer

What's a monitor?

Technician

It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

Customer

I don't know.

Technician

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Customer

Yes, I think so.

Technician

Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Customer

… Yes, it is.

Technician

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

Customer

No.

Technician

Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

Customer

… Okay, here it is.

Technician

Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

Customer

I can't reach.

Technician

Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

Customer

No.

Technician

Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Customer

Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle — it's because it's dark.

Technician

Dark?

Customer

Yes — the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Technician

Well, turn on the office light then.

Customer

I can't.

Technician

No? Why not?

Customer

Because there's a power outage.

Technician

A power… A power outage? Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

Customer

Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Technician

Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Customer

Really? Is it that bad?

Technician

Yes, I'm afraid it is.

Customer

Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Technician

Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

This venerable story of customer support weirdness might have come from the rec.humor.funny newsgroup back in the late 1990's, when USENET was only beginning to be corrupted by spam and porno and AOL newbies. However, it is most likely that the tale had been circulating on the Internet for much longer.

WordPerfect was the leading word processing program in the 1980's and 1990's, before it was supplanted by Microsoft Word at the time the story appeared in the newsgroup.

The C: prompt is the MS-DOS command-line string at which you type commands like dir, copy and type. It's like the U**x/Linux shell prompts, but a lot more crude. Knowing the command line in MS-DOS and DOS-based Windows systems made one a power user. After the introduction of Windows XP, its importance faded, and now only service technicians use it.

The outcome of that lawsuit never came to light.